I’m always a little shocked when I hear about women who love being pregnant, even more so now that I’m going through a second pregnancy. To be honest, I think they are all lying or omitting some truth. And if they are not, well then I'm just extremely envious. Growing up I always wanted to be a mom and at one point I wanted to have lots of children! Today, I feel much differently. As I head into my third trimester, I've been reflecting on my truths which I realized when I was pregnant the first time and am validating once again: I hate being pregnant. This has nothing to do with the end result because my son has far surpassed all expectations of what I thought he would bring to my life but I struggle with the process of getting there. Nothing in this life is easy and I would never expect that receiving the greatest thing in life would be easy, but that’s not a reason to be uninformed or even misinformed about the reality which I don’t ever remember learning about. The truth is, for me, it is a difficult challenge but I’m learning as I go to not only accept certain things and not view them as weaknesses, but also to be comfortable with pushing the limits society has put on me to make this truly my own experience.
Besides the obvious ailments such as breathing like a 400-pound man, peeing 35 times a day and feeling like I’ve broken every rib on the left side of my body, my biggest gripe with pregnancy is an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. As someone who likes to go full force 100% of the time, I find it difficult to be so limited in what I can do, lift, eat, DRINK. What the fuck is a mocktail?! No thank you. I struggle with the inconsistencies in the information that is available (or unavailable, for that matter) regarding what really is OK to consume during pregnancy because I know for a fact there are women in Japan getting down on some sushi yet I feel an overwhelming sense of fear and guilt if I dare eat a piece of raw salmon. That’s not to say that I don’t. The exhaustion has also been very limiting to me since I hate being tired but it seems no matter how long I sleep, I'M ALWAYS TIRED. Luckily, I only have a couple more months of eye-prying at work left.
For a control freak who has lost much control, the struggle is real. Between months 3 and 6, the struggle to control my emotions was very real. I now understand the complete meaning of the term “hormonal” and unfortunately so does my husband. I would consider my normal self pretty even-keeled and although I can be outspoken and have a slight temper, at least I know my reactions are validated by deep rooted beliefs and principles. Being pregnant, however, releases a full blown range of unjustifiable emotional outbreaks that even I can't understand! I'm talking 13-year old, crying in my room over chubby thighs emotional.
Luckily the hormonal rave party has ended and now I am just feeling like a blimp, but a calm one at least. I was lucky enough to discover yoga in my life before my pregnancy and I do feel this has been a source of strength and relief for me for many reasons. Staying fit has been important to me throughout this journey. Can you image having these 99 problems plus an extra 50 pounds? I would die. Yoga has helped me to stay fit, strong and on good days that physical strength is enough to overcome any feelings of emotional weakness. Pushing myself (safely, of course) has actually helped me feel more capable on and off the mat. With all the research I've done regarding what is safe and what is not, I've come up with a set of my own rules which helps me keep my sanity. I don't restrain from everything at all times and I don't read every cheese label but this moderation, in moderation shall keep me content.
And no, I do not want to get pregnant again nor will I ever retreat my statement that I hate being pregnant but I see the light and it’s only three months away and this makes me feel okay.